Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
