no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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