Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
