how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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