What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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