she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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