dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
