The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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