Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
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