I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
