update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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