Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
