I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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