in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just googled if crying burns calories
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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