you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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