I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
