I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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