A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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