in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
