My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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