Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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