apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
