someone get that fucking seahorse.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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