I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
