just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
