Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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