Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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