He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
