Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
