Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
