3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
