i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
