can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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