he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
