why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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