Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
