if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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