Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
