Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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