Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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