I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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