So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
