drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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