You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
