The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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