I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
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