jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
