I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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