Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
