He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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