imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
