what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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