He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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