i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
