Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
